Movie Reviews Golden Rule - If you don't see a review of a movie
here, assume it sucks!
Latest Reviews
Borat - I loved it, but here's a guest review from Rektular "Ricky" Slobdan of
Uzbekistan. Movee sucked donkee balls. Borat dride sheet on anoos of assyhole
Country, Kazakhstan. They make sexy with mothers. Movee show lies. Anoos
Country not pubis number 1. Glorious Uzbekistan pubis number 1. Uzbekistan has
best prostitutes in World, Kazakhstan prostitute no clean. You make sexy, you
penis leaky. Uzbekistan live cutting edge on tecknolowgee. Clock radio get 2
stations, Kazakhstan only 1. Uzbekistan vidio player also record. Very nice.
The virgin Pamela Anderson no marry Kazakhstan. They small penis and back pussy
wet. CJ no marry that! Dew not watch movee. wate for Uzbekistan's glorious
movee. I piss on Kazakhstan.
Current Theatrical Films
MORE REVIEWS COMING SOON! I have seen some and plan on seeing others soon (This
week, fingers crossed). I just need time to sit down and write up a review(s).
Now On DVD
Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - After the unexpected success of POTC,
the whole cast and crew return for a 2nd exciting voyage. Great CGI, A+ action
sequences, and new BAD-ASS Monster Pirates make for one thrilling adventure.
This sequel's a must see (and judging by the Titanic Box Office Numbers, audiences
agree). What's bad about POTC2? A few slow moments, but action flicks need these
moments, or, should I say, audiences need these moments - Non-stop action can
overload the viewer and detract from the movie. Terry Rossio and Ted Elliot build
upon the wonderful world they created for Johnny Depp (Captain Jack Sparrow),
Orlando Bloom (Will Turner), and Keira Knightley (Elizabeth Swann) to plunder! I
can't wait for POTC3! Get out of the house and see this movie. POTC2 shows what
it takes to be a summer blockbuster, unlike Superman Returns (yawn).
Superman Returns - When I wrote the review, it was waaay too long to post here. I
decided to do a quickie review and post the way too long one as a blog. Here goes
I didn't hate it, but I sure didn't like it. Confused? For a restart of the
franchise, it's a huge bust. Check my blog page for details. Thumb way down - wait
until it comes out on dvd.
Mission Impossible 3 - Excellent action movie. It clocks in at just over 2 hours
and the time flies by. Bringing in JJ Abrams, Alex Kurtzman, and Bob Orci re-
energized the franchise. Sadly, Tom Cruise's behavior affected the Box Office and
people are missing out on a summer tentpole action flick. A true popcorn movie.
Hoffman is brilliant as the vile villain - a truly evil man. If you haven't checked
it out and are in the mood for a great movie - I recommend MI-III.
X-Men: The Last Stand - This movie seemed destined for failure. Director Bryan Singer
and writers Michael Dougherty & Dan Harris baled to spearhead SUPERMAN RETURNS. Fox
hired Simon Kinberg and Zak Penn to each write a draft, instead they collaborated on
the story. Then new Director Matthew Vaughn entered the fray. They wrote a draft in
a mere 6 days (WOW!), which caused an uproar on fanboy sites (such as Ain't It Cool
News). Another blow, Vaughn left. Brett Ratner came on board. Fans openly worried
and the buzz on this film couldn't be lower. So was it a flop? Hell no! Simon, Zak,
and Brett deserve kudos. For putting up with the months of the internet beatings they took
and, yet, they delivered a great film worthy of the X-Men franchise. I have to admit, I
was nervous this film would be a mess, but it ROCKS! In fact, it's my favorite of the
three. If you're an X-Men fan, this is a must see movie. If you're not, but enjoy a
good action flick, it's another no-brainer - go see this movie! To Simon, Zak, and
("the controversial") Brett, thanks for this home run (and are you guys available for
XMen 4?). Final note: Go See This Movie!
Serenity - I was one of the handful that watched the Firefly TV Show and
was ecstatic that it was coming to the big screen. I wasn't disappointed.
A beautiful movie with a strong story and great cast. This was my favorite
movie for the year. Very underrated. Do yourself a favor and check this
one out (and buy the brilliant Firefly series on DVD)!
The Chronicles of Narnia - I can't believe this flawed movie made a boatload
of cash. My biggest issue: The oldest boy became a warrior overnight - yeesh
give me a break. Also, the Lion's death and resurrection story was ridiculous -
If one allows oneself to be sacrificed, but is pure of heart, then they would be
brought back to life. What a load of CRAP! This movie works for the kids, but
everyone else...you've been warned!
Chicken Little - Terribly unfunny! I chuckled once. No laugh. No guffaw. Just
a chuckle. This "comedy" is made for the unsophisticated humor palate of young
kids. If you don't have the humor of a five year-old, stay away!
A History Of Violence - Wow, this movie won an award? How???? An interesting
flick with a few problems (dealing with the absurd family issues). Then William
Hurt's character shows up and it dives south. Unsatisfying ending undermines
this "award winner". Minor thumbs down because the acting is solid, but the story
doesn't live up to its promise.
Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sith - First off, I have to voice my disappointment with
Kevin Smith (View Askew). Why? He claimed this was the Star Wars (prequel) film
we've been waiting for. I claim this isn't even a movie but a collection of
action scenes (no cohesion). Also, I think George Lucas is a genius, but he can't
write dialogue to save his life. The scenes with Padme and Anakin were painful to
watch, because of the banter between the two. And the way he turned to the dark
side was forced, at best, and laughable, at worst. Luckily, wasting money on this
at the theater, saved me from wasting even more on the DVD. George, if you read
this and decide to make the sequels: episodes 7-9, please get help or let someone
else write it (I'm available for the assignment). And, Kevin, you owe me $15 (hey,
I was thirsty and needed something to munch on).
King Kong - A beautiful movie. Another home run by Peter Jackson. He captured
the original Kong with a touching story and seemless CGI. I've heard the complaints
that it's too long and the story took too much time to get to Kong. Bullshit. That's
my response to those complaints. The characters were fleshed out and not just fodder
for Kong and the computer graphics. My biggest complaint: When is Andy Serkis going
to get recognition for his acting (Gollum and now King Kong)? My only criticism is
the Insect scene. I thought it was over the top and I was hoping it would be a
spider pit. Highly recommended.
Cinderella Man - Another brilliant performance by Russell Crowe. I think he's todays
greatest actor (with apologies to the Toms - Hanks and Cruise). This movie perfectly
captures a desperate time in U.S. history and brings us into the boxing ring. Worth
a rent (or even a purchase).
Land Of The Dead - As a huge horror fan, I was looking forward to this Romero Zombie-
fest. Boy, was I disappointed. Smart zombies that learn? Give me a break! I hope
his next zombie flick goes back to being a kick-ass horror flick instead of My Dinner
With Dead Andre. It's one of those movies that you might see once, but it's not worth
repeat viewing. Stay away from this one.
Fantastic Four - Poorly done adaptation of the famous comic book that spawned the
Marvel age of Super Heroes (Spider-Man, Hulk, X-Men, Avengers, etc.). This crappy flick
just about destroyed the greatest comic book villain - Doctor Doom! I hated, yes hated,
this awful movie. This poorly written story completely disregarded the Comic Book and
almost destroyed this franchise (movie wise). A well written story (ala Spider-Man),
would have made twice as much money domestically. Avoid this crapfest at all costs.
Sadly, they're doing a sequel with Galactus (FF's greatest story, issues #48-50). Which
means, they weren't satisfied with destroying Dr. Doom, now they have to piss on the
Fantastic Four's best story. Make Mine Marvel...to poop on! (apologies to Triumph, the
Insult Comic Dog).
Movies I Won't Go See:
RV - Could the trailer for a comedy be any less funny? Robin Williams, like Steve
Martin, has decided to sell his good name for money. How sad. Hey, Robin, Steve, I'd
be willing to sell my meh name for money - call me!
Hidden Gems On DVD:
It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World - One of the greatest comedies ever made and no one's
heard of it (besides me and a handful of lucky folks). The premise: 6 strangers
come upon a dying man. He tells them of $350,000 buried under a "big W". They
try to agree on how to split it and it becomes every man (and Woman) for themselves.
Other strangers get caught up in the hunt and...sorry, no spoilers for you! This
movie had half of hollywood make cameo appearances. Starring Sid Caesar, Milton
Berle, Jonathon Winters, Ethel Merman, Spencer Tracy, and many more (including The
3 Stooges in their last movie appearance - They play Firemen). Worth a rent!
Clerks Uncensored - Sure Clerks has a following, but what about the cartoon series
(even though it only lasted 2 episodes)? You didn't know Clerks was a cartoon? My
point exactly. 6 hilarious episodes and the commentary is even funnier. This is
Kevin Smith (and others) at their best. All the original actors are back to voice
their characters. Highly recommended. Snootch to the noonch!
Animal House - Okay, so how's this a hidden gem? Ask most twentysomethings (and
younger) and you'll find out they've never seen this movie. Even worse - most have
never even heard of it!!! Sad, but true. Another great comedy and the movie that
made John Belushi a superstar. Includes one of the best road trips. So, don't be
a flounder, check it out.
Equilibrium - Before Christian Bale became Batman, he dispensed justice upon those
that broke the law - such as reading books, owning art, or even having emotion.
Great action flick. Set in the (sadly) near future (which means we still got a
chance to make things right). Like Aeon Flux, only good!
Dark City - One of the great futuristic Sci-Fi's and who's heard of it? A man
awakens in a bathtub in a strange hotel (okay, so everything's strange in this movie)
and realizes he can't remember anything. The Police want him because they think he's a
serial murderer. These strange beings (bald and proud of it) want to kill him. But why?
It's because he has the power to ... (sorry, you'll have to watch it yourself). How
good is this movie? Robert Ebert was such a big fan that he does the commentary on the
DVD release. I would just change the Voice Over in the beginning - I guess US audiences
were confused by the movie, so it was added. Worth a rent or check your Movie Channels
(I think it's playing on Encore Channel).
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