4/27 I'LL DRINK TO THAT!
In the pinnacle of scientific achievement, a bottle can now tell you when it's best to drink beer. Yes,
Coors, of the we-only-use-Rocky-Mountain-water gimmick, developed bottles that can sense
when the beer inside has reached optimum drinking temperature. Wait, it gets better. It employs the
same advanced technology used on coffee mugs that display messages, such as "World's Best
Dad", or reveal naughty pictures when the mug heats up! So, how do you know when it's
appropriate to partake of the libations? Are you ready? The snow-covered mountains, on the
bottle, turn blue. Yeah, it doesn't make sense to me either. Instead, they should have the mountains
turn white - I.E. go from regular mountains to snow-covered. Hey, I never said my idea was
brilliant - it's just better that blue mountains. Until then, cheers.
4/23 BOOB TUBE PART DEUX
AI Update: Well, it had to happen - Ding Dong, Sanjaya's Gone! I was surprised he cried -
Buddy, the writing was on the wall for weeks (or months). Now the show can get back to just
finding the best. My prediction: Melinda.
DOG Update: If you want to help Dog and family, visit Dog The Bounty Hunter's Website for
info on his Defense Fund and an Online Petition.
The Apprentice In LA - It sounded like a great idea, but turned into an exercise in boredom.
since the ratings continue to head south, they decided to change it up. Unfortunately, these changes
BLEW. What were these changes you speak of, oh wise one?
1. The winning team lives in the Mansion, the losing team lives in tents in the back yard. That may
sound good, but living in the back yard of a Mansion ain't exactly Survivor!
2. The winning team's Project Manager (PM) stays the PM until that team loses. On paper that may
sound good, but, when put into practice, it didn't work. Some contestants, including the winner,
NEVER stepped up as a Project Manager. The winner NEVER had to lead even a flea to
earn the job, which shows you what a J-O-K-E this Show's become.
3. No FINAL TWO task - hell, no Final Two. Instead, it was two against two and Trump picked
the winner from the winning two - What a joke! I've always felt that he (Trump) knows who he's
gonna pick about half way through this "interview process" and that's who gets the job,
regardless of results - this was never more evident than the year Randall won after CLEARLY
losing the final task (IMHO).
What hasn't changed? "The Donald's" enormous ego! Just listen to some of his self-centered
crap he spews out and you'll realize his EGO knows no bounds. And because this is a heavily
edited show, I'm POSITIVE some whoppers got cut! How vast is his love for all things Trump?
He fired Caroline because she spent too much time promoting herself (plus, she was popular), which
would have been acceptable if she'd spent that time promoting "The Donald". Also, he
kicked George (also popular) to the Not-allowed-on-TV curb (he did make a wafer thin
appearance on the Finale). Who did he replace them with? His offspring (son, Don, and daughter,
Ivanka), of course. Who else is worthy, besides those from "The Donald's" seed? The plans are
to bring it back for another season (maybe not on NBC) and I hope, if they do, they dump those
4/14 RANTINGS IN TECHNOCOLOR!
24 Season 5 - What a load of crap! Worst season ever! What happened to ex-Prez Logan?
What about the one-armed Russian dude? A Nuclear Bomb goes off in LA and nobody cares?
Okay, maybe that's not hard to swallow, but it gets worse. The first crisis ends and, BOOM, a
left turn of Rodriguez-ian FROM DUSK TIL DAWN magnitude! Chinese officials kidnapped his
(Jack Bauer) ex-girlfriend and want him to do something nefarious (of couse). This is the big story?
WTF! Sigh. I hope it turns around and the last few hours kick-ass (yep, I'm an eternal optimist).
On a sidenote, SOUTH PARK did a parody of 24 that was MUUUUUUCH better than anything
on this season's (of 24) borefest.
AI vs. Sanjaya - What the Hell is wrong with American Idol voters? Let me give it to ya plain &
simple, he can't sing. I know it's not just all those teeny-bopper girls keeping him in. Some people
want him to win BECAUSE he's the worst - how very mature. Seriously, that's Grade School
shenanigans - remember these young 'uns are trying to change their lives by winning Americal Idol.
And you're trying to screw that up, just because - grow up. Oh, let's not forget about Howard
Stern (no, not the Anna Nicole one) trumpeting for Sanjaya. Don't be fooled, he's only doing it
because his massive Ego can't stand AI, or anything/anyone else, being bigger than He Who Calls
Himself Howard Stern (no, not that other guy). So stop being foolish and vote him (?) off - and
end my misery!
How I Met Your Mother - The rumor mill says this show's in trouble. Shows like The New
Adventures Of Old Christine, Two And A Half Men, and According To Jim have no problems
getting renewed, but a quality comedy, like this fine speci-mine, does. Where's Rodney King when
you need him? Amazingly, it does fine in the ratings. The reason - I heard this on the Internet, so take this with a grain of salt - some exec doesn't "get it". It may seem strange, but execs do
cancel shows that draw ratings (ANGEL comes to mind - oh, and that exec was later (but not much
later) fired) or screw with new shows (FIREFLY and CLERKS UNCENSORED were both
shown out of sequence to confuse viewers - and it worked!) because they don't get/like the show.
Dog The Bounty Hunter - A true gem on A&E! A warts and all show centering on the exploits
of Bounty Hunter extraordinaire Duane "Dog" Chapman and his family (his wife, Beth, his brother,
Tim, two of his sons, Leland and Duane Lee, and daughter, "Baby" Lisa), as they hunt bail jumpers
and assorted law breakers in scenic Hawaii. They look like a rough bunch - you know, long hair
and tatts - but are caring, kind souls (proving you can't
judge a book by its cover). On a sidenote,
Mexico is trying to extradite The Dog, Tim, and Leland back to Mexico to face charges stemming
from their capture of a serial rapist in Mexico. Bounty Hunting is illegal in Mexico. I urge everybody
reading this to contact their Congressman/woman and demand the US intervene. What does it say
about the Mexican Government if they'd rather side with a Rapist instead of the man who brought
him to justice - my take: They don't give a rat's ass about American tourists.
4/6 WELCOME TO ZOMBIELAND
From the files of the not exactly a newsflash department, we're an overly medicated society. It
seems every third commercial is a "Pssst, buddy, take this pill" type (Car insurance and Technical
Schools round out the list). What's this overabundance of available medications
Can't sleep? There's a pill for that. Restless Leg Syndrome (Whatever that is)? There's a pill for
that. Need to lose weight? There's a pill for that (these statements have not been approved by
the FDA). Can't get your rocket ready for take-off? There's a pill for that. Allergies? There's a pill
for that. Pee too often? There's a pill for that. Don't pee often enough? There's a pill for that. In
pain? There's several pills for that. Too ugly? There's a pill for...Oh, sorry. You're on your own.
Oddly enough, there are plenty of pills you can give your friends that change their "perceptions"
and, therefore, they won't notice the freakish abnormalities that constitute your ugliness. Just
about everything that HAS or COULD go wrong, there's a pill for that!
Okay. We have a lot of pills that cure ailments. What's wrong with that? Maybe you should listen
to those commercials more closely, my friend. The "potential" side effects can be more devastating
than the problem you want to fix. Amazingly, some of the prescriptions can cause Death. After
all, just because you have a hard time sleeping, doesn't mean you want to sleep forever (i.e. die -
obvious meaning of sentence given for those reading this afflicted with stupidity(sorry, no pill)).
Recently, there's been stories about some presciption sleeping pills causing people to cook meals
or even drive their car while still being ASLEEP!!! Yikes! To be fair, I've always felt I'd be a better
employee if I could do all my work while sleeping. On the flipside, in school, I tried studying
using the osmossis technique with disasterous results.
What's my point? Heck, somebody had to ask. Before you pop a pill, ask yourself this: Do I really
need this or am I just some wussy boy? Weigh the benefits versus the liabilities. Remember to
stop before you pop. Oh, and you might want to consult a Doctor instead of some dude writing a
weekly blog - probably the best advice I've ever given!
3/30 CLEARLY NEWSWORTHY?
What's up with this trend of newscasts in High Definition (HD)? Are people really clamoring for
this? Sure it was a gruesome car crash that mutilated three people, but it sure looked nice and
clear - almost like I was there. Do we really need to see this or the close-ups of aging newswomen
with more color on their faces than a Picasso painting? Nobody buys an HD Television to watch
the news (no sane person, that is). HD is made for the latest blockbuster from Spielberg or the
beauty of a Peter Jackson flick. Two lightsaber wielding, bad-ass Jedis battling it out in HD -
cool. Two talking heads chattering about the weather in HD - yawn.
I know everything's going High Def, but do these newscasts have to tout their HD status like it's
the second coming of Christ?
Summer popcorn action flick in HD = Good.
The stereotypical, wise-cracking Weatherman guessing about tomorrows forecast (with limited
success) in HD = Bad.
The Oakland Raiders stomping on an AFC Western Division rival (hey, a guy can dream) in HD
Some ex-sportsdude (or dudette) ranting, in HD, about the latest criminal escapades of a bad boy
professional athlete = Not so much.
Before you accuse me of being an anti-newsite, I don't hate news, mostly. It's just that some things
don't have to be in HD. I like Poker, but I don't need to see a Mike Matasow blow-up in High
Definition (Okay, maybe that'd be cool). In order to stop the madness, I pledge that my blog, nay
the whole website, will never be in HD!
3/23 INTURNET SPELENG
Whot iz rong wiht peepil mizspeleng wurds awn thu inturnet? Shur, sum peepil right inn ayyye heree
anda dew knot chek thair wurk befor hiteng taht dreadid entur butt-ton. Ohka, eye kan undurstand
thta hapineng wunce orr tweyece, butt isth ohcurrs al hte tyme. Sew, wut's teh rezun?
1. Inn ayyye heree - Hay, sulow dowwn. Teh inturnet hiwayyye wood runa mulch smuthir eff wii
undurstood wut teh Hlel u joust sade.
2. Layzee - Thiss menes u. Thees layzee Larees orr Lore-etas kant bee bothurd two chek four
errurs anda misstakes. Sorree fi thiss iz eeteng intwo teh tyme u takea avooydeng reel wurk.
3. U kant spel - Ohka, sew u whent two ayyye pubic skul anda spendt morr tyme studdeng four
resess thanne Inglish - Aftur oll, u alredee speke ti. Sew, wy dew u nede two studdee ti?
4. Yur ayyye drunkin esohbee - Yah, Ime lukeng ta u, budee! Unfourchunatlee, manne peepil
pohst wile juscd. Summtymes theree fuknee, summtymes pathetick, butt useualli nturtaneeng.
Sew wats meye pooynt? Fi yur ayyye habitchual bed spelur, ta leest mayku teh efort two clene ti
pu. Aftur al, y pohst fi nobodee kan undurstand u?
3/13 HIDDEN AGENDAS!
No, I'm not talking about some Government Conspiracy or the mindset of a conclave of
Terrorists, living in a cave, somewhere in Pakistan. I'm talking about posting Movie Reviews on
Fanboy (and other) Websites on the Internet (you remember Al Gore's
Greatest Invention -
next to Global Warming!), Yes, the Internet. This Secret Society has a (lots of) Dark Side(S).
Someone will throw up a review (I'm quite the wordsmith) and some Dope will accuse him of being
a Plant (if it's a glowing review) or having an agenda (if it's a bad one). No proof. It could be
from a respected, long-time member of that site. It doesn't matter.
Why do people do this? Because someone had the audacity to post something
contrary to their
view. Really, that's what it boils down too. The anonymity (whew!)
of the Internet provides
these Yahoos with the stones to blast a complete stranger without repercussions (unless you're
stupid enough to have a webpage with your real name (D'OH)). So, in closing, when someone
dares to post an opinion (yep, that's all it is), don't start WWIII ( or the equivalent in Flame
On a sidenote...This is NOT in reaction to one of my reviews (who reads THOSE?), but from
an exchange that happened in a topic on the Movie 300. One person thought it was the Best
Movie Ever (seriously), while another person didn't like it and stated why (it was a well thought
out critique). He was accused of having an agenda by Mr. Greatest-Movie-Ever. Yeesh.
3/5 HOW HAPPY IS YOUR MOVIE?
In an issue of THE DAILY VARIETY (3/2/07), I noticed an ad for a new rating system. This
system would give a Happiness Rating to films. And just what are the ratings? Here you go:
H - Feel Good
HH - Feel Great
HHH (no, not the wrestler) - Feel Wonderful
It would create a Happy Film Commission (HFC) to "rate" films and that rating would appear with the standard MPAA Rating (G, PG, PG-13, ETC.).
My first question...Do we really need another arbitrary rating from a Commission filled with people
that have agendas? This is where you yell "NO!".
2nd question...Why do we need this? It's just an attempt to "force" studios into only making films
with zero violence and no blood. You know, those pesky uplifting (yawn) films. Look, with all the
remakes, studios are already churning out cookie-cutter films. Do they all have to be vanilla too?
The best part of the ad is the person (or head of the Foundation) who came up with this "idea".
Edward de Bono is described as "the pioneer of lateral
thinking" and that he "originated lateral
thinking and parallel thinking". What the HELL does that mean? Instead of using Lateral or parallel thinking, just use
your own common sense.
Frankly, I don't need the HFC nor the MPAA to tell me which movies to see. I decide based upon
the trailer (and sometimes the actor(s) involved). That's it. Not how much blood or nudity (hello!),
but what I like and not what someone that I never met likes (or just made him/her happy).
2/23 A HEARTBEAT AWAY FROM DEATH!
The Volvo S80 Sedan has a heartbeat sensor that alerts the alarm fob IF someone's inside your car.
I've been driving for quite some time and I've never had an axe-wielding maniac nor a man with a
hook waiting in my backseat. Of course, it could be the luck of the draw or that I actually lock my
car doors (it works wonders detering those deranged killers).
Normally, this kind of "advancement in technology" wouldn't even register a blip with me, BUT it's
Volvo's advertising I find troubling. The commercial shows a young woman walking to her car, in
a deserted parking lot, at night. Her alarm warns her that a heartbeat has been detected inside her
car (my hero). She scurries away (safely, I might add). This breathrough saves her life. Here's my
quibble, how many people does this affect? I'm guessing it's closer to zero than ten people! Volvo
isn't Toyota when it comes to sales and, out of those Volvo sales, how many would buy this
I've gone to Volvo's (and other) websites and I've seen comments from women, who claim this
device WILL help those that "accidently" forget their infant/child in the car. Good point (too bad
Volvo isn't playing up that angle). My only disagreement is most people that have left their infant/
child alone in their car, do so on purpose. Just about every story I've read, deal with people that
needed to run into the store (or whatever) for a few seconds (give or take 10 minutes). The bottom
line - if you're buying this Volvo for the infant/child alert, then more power to you. But if you're
doing it to protect
yourself from homicidal killers, then good luck with that.
2/16 ALIEN INVASION OR AFFORDABLE RATES?
What's up with those Mercury Insurance Commercials? They feature an obvious lunatic
attempting to prove that aliens from the planet Mercury run Mercury Insurance. By
showcasing this delusional fool, we, the viewers, realize Mercurians are a fantasy. But
are they? Stick with me...What if this is just a plot by clever aliens, said Mercurians, to
overthrow the world, one policy at a time? I'm not trying to spread fear, just reminding
you good folks to be vigilante! Is this an alien foothold or a farce? Only time will tell.
Until then, don't forget your aluminum foil hats.
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